Starbucks Closed, Man
Millions of Americans are about to feel like the Griswalds in National Lampoon’s Family Vacation (Moose out front should have told you). Desperate for their next venti latte, they will (or, depending on when you read this, they have) approached the local java brewery only to find the doors locked and themselves coffee blocked. That’s right, Starbucks is having an unprecedented three-hour-universe-wide shut down in an attempt to re-energize the barista population (They do know they work all day with caffeine, right?). I can only imagine how the meeting will go. Hopped up managers extolling company pride, talking brightly about the challenges of taking on McDonald’s and Dunkin’ Donuts. “We are better. We are baristas.” That is taking nothing away from being a barista, of course. I, as I’m sure most other writers, have found themselves serving up a half-caff. OR two.
I hate to assume to know more than the upper management at Starbucks, but here are my top 10 ways to improve sales and finally put the nail in the coffin of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.
10.Stop correcting me when I say skim instead of nonfat. I know it’s policy, but maybe figure out a way to tell the 17-year-old kid at the espresso machine what I want without one upping me.
9.How about dropping the price back below a buck eighty for my grande? I can tell you’re getting greedy and I actually notice the 10 cent increases.
8.Stop trying to sell me food and just concentrate on coffee. I’ll still get the muffin every other time, but enough with the McBiscuit-ike sandwiches.
7.Make it easier for me to find a store. Really, I had to walk nearly 2 blocks through the heart of Manhattan before coming upon one.
6.Don’t ask me my name to write on the cup. I know I’m at Starbucks and I know you don’t care.