Starbucks Closed, Man

Millions of Americans are about to feel like the Griswalds in National Lampoon’s Family Vacation (Moose out front should have told you). Desperate for their next venti latte, they will (or, depending on when you read this, they have) approached the local java brewery only to find the doors locked and themselves coffee blocked. That’s right, Starbucks is having an unprecedented three-hour-universe-wide shut down in an attempt to re-energize the barista population (They do know they work all day with caffeine, right?). I can only imagine how the meeting will go. Hopped up managers extolling company pride, talking brightly about the challenges of taking on McDonald’s and Dunkin’ Donuts. “We are better. We are baristas.” That is taking nothing away from being a barista, of course. I, as I’m sure most other writers, have found themselves serving up a half-caff. OR two.