The War Against September
It's that oh-so special Monday that marks the beginning of our new production cycle, wherein I celebrate the death of August's workload and gird myself for the war against September. Thankfully the real combat for Sept. has yet to begin, so I have a little time to share with you my story angles for the month before spending three weeks fighting a violent and caffeine-filled trench war against our newest block of content. Come along with me as I enjoy my last bit of shore leave and detail for you the completely non-fictitious, totally serious premises for my office products, tote bag and "My Best Promotion" features.
Political Roundtable. A full transcription of a 19-way debate from the best pundits cable news has to offer. Rich Mossface, a belligerent and openly secessionist hunk of animate moss from Nevada, screams about how pens are unconstitutional and violate secret amendment #3014. Mindy Batwing, vampire apologist and noted living botox experiment, alternatingly roars and titters about how notebooks are just more "tax and spend" bloat," while liberal crackpot Snark Chubbly defends the opposing stance and insists that notebooks are a basic human right and a prerequisite for democracy, all from the safety of his mom's basement.
Short fiction of the horror/noir/blond lady genre. Single mother Blondie Mommers and her spooky, bag-eyed child Pip Stumblers (Pip kept his dad's name) have moved to a secluded, New England island town where everyone has huge lawns and houses sized about three steps out of plausible affordability. Hoping to get a new start on life, all seems to be going well for Blondie and Pip when things suddenly takes a dark turn via a mysterious tote bag. The bag carries a terrible curse: Any who view its imprint will in six days be twisted into a monster worthy of the blackest pits of hell, lest he or she can give the bag away to someone else before the transformation completes. Through cruel chance, the curse happens to seize Pip, slowly warping him from a navel-gazing schoolboy into someone who enjoys tie-dye and using the phrase "right on." Blondie is then plunged into a race against time to find someone to take the cursed bag before her son starts taking an interest in hacky sack, dub reggae and glass-blowing. The plot is further complicated by Blondie's new boyfriend, Dunk Stylehair, an athletic and oddly middle-aged grocery store clerk and tote-enthusiast who has been giving free bags to the community for years.